Awake!, February 8, 1983

Awake! — February 8, 1983

Source: jw.org

Contents

Page Two

Why It’s So Hard for Parents to ‘Let Go’

“A Man Will Leave . . .”

“You Never Stop Being a Parent”

Are You Preparing Your Children for Their ‘Flight’?

You Can Happily ‘Let Go’!

Put It in Writing!

My Ballet Career—The Beauty and the Beast of It

Crossword Puzzle

How Do I Handle a Job Interview?

After Chichonal Blew Up

From Our Readers

Watching the World

Making Your Family Life Happy

Your Life Depends On It!

Page Two

Parents invest much time, effort and money into raising their children. Then the inevitable time comes when the youngsters grow up and leave home. How can parents better prepare themselves, and their children, for that departure?

Why It’s So Hard for Parents to ‘Let Go’ 3

“A Man Will Leave . . .” 4

“You Never Stop Being a Parent” 7

Are You Preparing Your Children for Their ‘Fight’? 9

You Can Happily ‘Let Go’! 11

Why It’s So Hard for Parents to ‘Let Go’

“GOOD-BYE MOM! GOOD-BYE DAD!” he says for the third time. Between good-byes, he’s found every excuse imaginable to stay just a little bit longer.

But now “good-bye” has a ring of finality. One more tearful embrace, a firm handshake and off he goes. As parents, you look at each other with the sober realization that he really won’t be coming back to stay anymore. The house that once was filled with his talk and laughter now seems so empty.

So much time, effort and emotion are invested in your children. For about 20 years your routine of life has centered on them. “Yesterday” you nearly panicked at the sound of your baby’s cry. You anxiously paced the floor of your doctor’s office when your six-year-old ran a fever. You held your breath opening their report cards, sighed with relief at their passing grades. You protested when your teenagers played their loud music, but cried when they spoke of leaving home. And now, one by one, they have all grown up and left.

Little wonder that many find adjusting to the “empty nest” a real challenge. “For the first time in my life,” confessed one man after his daughter left home, “I just cried and cried and cried.”

Whelan and Evelyn, though, trained their children for eventual independence. Still, when their children left, “it was quite an adjustment,” they said. “You’ve been busy, hustling here and there. And when they’ve left, you just have you and your mate. The worst thing is coming home and seeing that the kids aren’t there.” Norma, mother of a grown daughter, admits: “It took me a while to get used to Lynn’s not being in her room. So I would keep the door closed because if I left it open, I always felt as if she might be in there and I’d want to talk with her.”

Almost all parents feel such mixed emotions when the “kids” leave home. There’s pride that a child has come of age and joy at the prospect of having more personal time. Nevertheless, there may also be nagging doubts (“Did we raise her right?”), fear (“Is our kid really ready to go it alone?”), disappointment (“Why didn’t she marry that nice fellow John instead of this loser?”) and even guilt. One recent study shows that men in particular regret “not having spent more time with their children when they were younger.”

The ‘empty nest’ can also change your marriage. Some couples get along better. Others don’t. “Many marriages today end in separation or divorce when the children leave home,” say the authors of Ourselves and Our Children.

Too, your child’s departure often comes at a time in life already abundant in crises. Women experience the onset of menopause, which, according to one writer, “may feel to her like an unnecessary underlining of the statement ‘No more children for you.’” Men may face increasing job pressure or job dissatisfaction. Retirement may loom on the horizon. Inflation may have eroded family savings. Health may begin to fail. Seemingly stripped of parenthood, some even doubt their self-worth.

No wonder some parents doggedly refuse to let them go! The urge to hold on can seem irresistible. But saying good-bye does not have to mean losing your children. It means putting your relationship with them on a new footing and filling the void their departure has left in your life.

But how? And why is releasing them so vital to a healthy relationship with your grown children?

[Blurb on page 3]

“For the first time in my life I just cried and cried and cried”

“A Man Will Leave . . .”

“ONE day our son came home,” recalled Tom, “and you could tell something was on his mind. He sat down with my wife and me and said, ‘Well, folks. I’ve met the girl I’m going to marry.’”

God foresaw scenes like this when he said: “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24) Appreciate, therefore, that your child’s leaving is somewhat of an inevitability.

This, of course, does not mean that children should leave home prematurely. But as the psalmist said: “Like arrows in the hand of a mighty man, so are the sons of youth.” Sooner or later the arrow leaves the quiver and is launched into life.—Psalm 127:4.

Like a released arrow your adult child is basically removed from your jurisdiction after he leaves. When married, he becomes head of his own household. Your daughter comes under the authority of her husband.—Ephesians 5:21-28, 33.

The Bible shows it may be hard for you to get used to this new independence, though. Jesus’ mother, for example, apparently felt she retained some authority over him—even after he was grown and anointed as Messiah! At a wedding feast Mary said to Jesus, “They have no wine.” (Suggesting, ‘Do something about it.’) But in firm, yet kindly, words Jesus reminded her of his independence—and performed his first miracle.—John 2:2-11.

The patriarch Jacob also had trouble letting his son go. His beloved wife, Rachel, had died giving birth to the son he named Benjamin. You can imagine the emotional attachment he must have felt to this son! So when asked to let Benjamin go on a trip to Egypt, Jacob objected, “A fatal accident may befall him,” and kept him home.—Genesis 35:16-18; 42:4.

But while it is normal to want to hold on, the wise course is to accept his adulthood and his independence.

“Look How You’re Hurting Me”

‘But must they go so far away?’ some parents object. ‘Why can’t they be independent and still live near us?’

It can hurt when such a move occurs. For example, the Bible says that Rebekah was asked to travel a considerable distance in order to get married. Her mother and brother pleaded: “Let the young woman [Rebekah] stay with us at least ten days. Afterward she can go.” How hard it was to let her go! Rebekah nevertheless said: “I am willing to go,” even though it may have meant her never seeing her family again.—Genesis 24:55, 58.

Your grown child may also have a legitimate need to move far away, such as a job prospect. Undue resistance can be destructive. To illustrate, one young wife recalls: “When we first were married, we wanted to spend a lot of time together. But mother didn’t understand. Instead of letting go a little and letting us come to her, she started smothering us.” The situation further deteriorated when this couple planned to move away. This led to full-scale hostility between mother and daughter. “Where does it say that the obligation of honoring your father and mother is absolved when you take your vows to your husband? Where have I failed you as a mother?” the mother bitterly demanded. The effect of this battling? Besides causing serious marital strain for the young couple, a wedge was driven between mother and daughter. Communication was cut off for months! And they used to be so close.

The book No Strings Attached observes: “If you react to your child’s withdrawal through martyrdom (Look how you’re hurting me, see how you’re hurting your father/mother, how can you do this to us), you will probably push your child further away.”—Italics ours.

The father of the prodigal son in Jesus’ parable realized this. When his adult son demanded independence, the father did not berate or bombard him with threats of failure. Rather, he kindly let his son go. This understanding attitude likely was a big factor in the son’s eventually returning home. Consequently, letting your adult child ‘flex his muscles’ of independence may be the key to retaining your friendship with him.—Luke 15:11-24; see also Philippians 2:4.

“What Does He See in Her?”

“You really want the best for your kids and when you see they have married well, you’re happy,” observes Norma. Her husband, Tom, adds: “I’ll be very frank. I didn’t feel that we were going to take all that time raising our daughter and just pass her off to the first person that came along.” Nevertheless, children at times bitterly disappoint their parents in their choice of a mate. How might you react?—Compare Genesis 26:34, 35.

Would it not be best to put forth every effort to accept this new member of your family? Some studies indicate that parental approval may be a key factor in the survival of a marriage.a True, your child’s choice of a mate may surprise, or even baffle, you. Yet, marriage is honorable in the sight of God.—Hebrews 13:4.

Rather than ‘straining the gnat’ and becoming obsessed with a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law’s faults, try to be objective. See him or her through your child’s eyes. Surely this person has good points! And remember, your own son or daughter is far from perfect. One parent who had doubted his child’s choice of a mate conceded: “One thing that helps is a certain amount of humility. I remembered one day that my parents hadn’t really approved of my marriage and how wrong they had been.”

A parent’s dislike of a child’s mate can be rooted more in jealousy—fear of losing a child’s affection—than in reality. But jealousy can destroy a good relationship. (Proverbs 14:30) So avoid alienating this new son or daughter. Get acquainted. Guard against attacking with unfair criticism, manufacturing issues or needlessly drawing battle lines. Let go a little, and “as far as it depends upon you, be peaceable.”—Romans 12:18.

[Footnotes]

One source states that ‘twice as many romances terminate early in marriage when both mother and father are opposed to the match as when they approve.’

[Blurb on page 4]

But does your child’s departure mean that you are no longer a parent?

[Picture on page 5]

‘We wanted to spend a lot of time together. But instead of letting go a little, mother started smothering us’

[Picture on page 6]

Parents do not always approve of their child’s choice of a mate

“You Never Stop Being a Parent”

AUTHOR John Updike once wrote: “Though the child be a sleek senator of seventy, and the parent a twisted hulk in a wheelchair, the wreck must still grapple with the ponderous sceptre of parenthood.” A father of three concurred: “You never stop being a parent. We still fuss and worry over the kids.”

Parents should not be cast aside just because the children are grown up. “Listen to your father who caused your birth,” says the Bible, “and do not despise your mother just because she has grown old.” (Proverbs 23:22) This counsel is not directed only to children because a person whose mother has “grown old” is likely an adult. So parents have years of experience and wisdom and thus have much to offer their grown children by way of advice and counsel.—Proverbs 16:31.

‘But how do you “parent” an adult?’ you ask. ‘Very carefully,’ answer many parents. You see, your child’s adulthood may be shaky at first. While enjoying independence, your child may still want some nurturing and support. Such ambivalence can make him extremely sensitive to any advice. As one mother explains, this can put you on the horns of a dilemma: “I want them to feel they’re grown up, but yet I want them to feel I’m concerned about them too.”

Where do you draw the line between concern and meddling? And by what emotional sleight of hand can you trade the natural desire to nurture for subdued, controlled concern?

First, accept your changed role. You abandon your job as nursemaid when baby turns into toddler. Similarly, you must now trade the cherished role of caretaker for the role of adviser. Making decisions for your child at this stage of life would be as inappropriate as burping or breast-feeding him.

As adviser, you have definite limitations. No longer can you effectively appeal to your authority as parent. (‘Do it because I say so.’) There must be respect for your child’s adult status. This is not easy, though. Said one parent: “I have to be so careful what I say to my children. I have to walk on eggs to be sure I’m not hurting their feelings or interfering in their lives.” But must you watch your grown children plunge headlong into disaster without saying even a word?

One parent states: “On personal matters, I don’t interfere. Even if they’re wasting money, so what? It’s just money. But if one of my children were about to make a spiritual or moral mistake, I would freely give advice because I’m their father.” Is it not the responsibility of all Christians to “readjust” one about to take a “false step”?—Galatians 6:1.

“I Was Only Trying to Help!”

Some, nonetheless, become meddlers rather than helpers. (1 Timothy 5:13) Because of a labyrinth of emotions—love, fear, loneliness and legitimate concern—some employ destructive strategies. For example, financial help may become outright bribery or a ploy to control. (‘Why should you move across town? We can lend you enough money to get a nice apartment right near us.’) There may be subtle sabotage. (‘Oh, please let me cook supper for you two tonight. After all, my son is used to my cooking.’) Or blatant interference. (‘You don’t want children yet? You want your mother and me to die before we see our grandchildren?’)

Beware of such manipulation! The book Getting Along With Your Grown-Up Children observes: “Parents who give money to their young adult and then spell out rigid conditions as to how it should be spent are really, unconsciously, using money as a bargaining agent with which to control the ‘child.’”

Squash the temptation to make endless, unrequested suggestions, which can turn a son-in-law or a daughter-in-law into an enemy. One writer even suggests that you resolve “never to tell your daughter-in-law what your son likes, how to cook his food, how to decorate his house, etc., unless you are clearly and explicitly asked.” Hold your suggestions until your children are a little more settled into marriage and thus less touchy.

“I think a lot of parents do things in reverse,” says Tom, father of two. “When they should have meddled in their lives they didn’t do it, and now that their kids have grown up, they want to meddle.” This raises a new question: How can you prepare your child for his eventual departure?

[Blurb on page 8]

“I want them to feel they’re grown up, but yet I want them to feel I’m concerned about them too”

[Picture on page 7]

You must trade the role of caretaker for that of adviser

[Picture on page 8]

Avoid being overly critical of your son-in-law or daughter-in-law

Are You Preparing Your Children for Their ‘Flight’?

THE majestic eagle makes a good parent. She takes an interest in her young, protects and feeds them. While her babies are little, she places food right in their mouths. As her young ones mature, she teaches them to feed themselves.

But to survive they must learn to fly. So she makes her young ones exercise their wings by playing a jumping game. And when they are ready, the eagle “stirs up its nest.” It lures and nudges the reluctant fledglings to the edge of the nest. Some eaglets bravely attempt to fly. Less courageous ones are unceremoniously shoved into the air! The mother, however, is ready to swoop under them and even ‘carry them on her pinions’—only to drop them again until they learn to fly.—Deuteronomy 32:11.

Tragically, many young adults are not at all ready for their “flight” into life. Dr. Richard C. Robertiello talks of the permissive child-rearing theories that became popular in the early 1950’s: “Parents went out of their way to be affectionate, demonstrative, indulgent of the child’s needs and very permissive about his behavior.”

While this approach had some success, the fruitage of these theories is a generation of adults who “do not seem to be able to choose a profession, to earn a decent living, to channel their . . . talents into some meaningful career.” Such ones “come to us therapists lost and floundering.” Why? “They were presented with a situation . . . essentially devoid of hardships, deprivations, and challenges . . . The parents promised them a rose garden where there was just an ordinary field that included a good many weeds.”

Life is by no means a “rose garden.” Unprepared children are “as sheep amidst wolves” in a vicious materialistic world. (Matthew 10:16) It is therefore imperative that you prepare your child for survival. But when should such training begin?

Training Children

Carmen, a mother of three, saw a need for early training and recalls: “When my son was just a few months old, I would train him to do things on his own. For example, I wouldn’t just pick him up. I would hold his little fingers and he would hold on while I raised him up.”

Children who are preschoolers even can learn duties such as ‘dressing, brushing their hair, washing themselves, putting away toys,’ according to Dr. Robertiello.

What about older children, though? The Bible shows that Joseph and David—successful adults—learned responsibility by performing various chores when young. (Genesis 37:2; 1 Samuel 16:11) Is such training still practical?

Bob and Mary, parents of three fine young men, say Yes! “We prepared our sons for life when they were little bitty guys.” And with a smile Bob says: “They all had paper routes, and I wouldn’t take them around in the car if the sky was falling! I said, ‘That’s your job and you’re responsible!’” But was this cruel and unusual punishment? Bob explains: “We provided their clothes, furnished their food and lodging. But we felt that if they wanted ‘extra’ they had to work for it.” Such training paid off. Bob adds: “Not long ago one of my grown sons came up and said: ‘Dad, thank you for bringing us up right.’”

Frank and Dawna likewise say: “We taught our boys everything! They can cook, paint, can, garden, lay cement blocks, shop.” Dawna further observes: “It’s easy for a mother to say, ‘I don’t have time to teach them. It’s easier to do it myself.’ But in the long run it pays to give them this training.”

On the other hand, children who are unnecessarily dependent on their parents can “turn into unmotivated, under-achieving students, dissatisfied and difficult employees, and impossible, demanding spouses,” according to Dr. Jerome Singer. Well did the Bible say in this regard: “If one is pampering one’s servant from youth on, in his later life he will even become a thankless one.”—Proverbs 29:21.

Moral Values

Young adults also need a standard of right and wrong if they are to “fly” through today’s greedy, immoral, materialistic society unscathed. But how does one give such training?

Bob and Mary, mentioned earlier, are Jehovah’s Witnesses. They therefore saw the value of having a regular study of the Bible with their children. Was this easy to do? Admits Bob: “To sit down and have this study and make it interesting was hard. But we made it a regular routine.” Study was supplemented with wholesome association and recreation for the family. And working with their sons in the door-to-door preaching activity was of particular value. “We had some of our best conversations going from door to door,” recalls Mary.

The results of this hard work are heartwarming. All three sons are devoted servants of God. If you would like to institute a similar program for your family, Jehovah’s Witnesses would be pleased to let you know how it can be done. Don’t wait until they are teenagers or adults to give this life-giving education. Train them while they are young and responsive to your influence.

Parents who take the time to prepare their children for life can even feel happy about letting go.

[Blurb on page 9]

One of my grown sons said: “Dad, thank you for bringing us up right”

[Blurb on page 10]

“We had some of our best conversations going from door to door”

You Can Happily ‘Let Go’!

WE HAVE learned that the urge to nurture grown children is not so easily controlled. Releasing them can be difficult. It can mean holding your breath (and tongue) as your children plunge into life. You have to shelve your image of them as cuddly babies and accept them as adults. You need to let them make their own decisions and mistakes, while letting them know you will still be there if they need you.

You will always be a parent and you will never stop caring for or worrying about your children. But your concern should be tempered by your acceptance of their independence and the knowledge that you have trained them and instilled moral values in them. You can be confident they will succeed!

So you need not panic at the specter of the empty nest. Letting go of your children merely opens new vistas, new opportunities, even a chance to put a new spark in your marriage. The house will seem empty for a while. After years of caring for a family, you will have to make some adjustments.

But life has not ended. You have merely come full circle. First there were only you and your mate. Then came children in rapid succession. The years passed quickly, far more quickly than you could ever have imagined. And now, one by one, the youngsters have grown up and left. You are right back where you started; alone with the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. But your mate was there before your children were even conceived and should still be very dear to your heart.

Get reacquainted with your mate. Why, “you can just walk up and kiss your wife by the kitchen sink anytime,” says one father, which “you maybe couldn’t do when the kids were there.” Now you have more time to talk, to travel, to enjoy one another. You may even be able to expand your service to God.

Even widowed or single parents need not be crushed by loneliness. “Do things for others!” urges Carmen. “I could sit in a corner crying over my husband’s death,” she says, “but I’ve learned to keep busy. I look forward to inviting people over and encouraging others.”

‘But I’m afraid my children will forget me!’ you cry. There is no need to feel that way. Alone and struggling to make a living, your children will often think about home and the warm love shown them there. They will make phone calls from time to time and let you know how they are doing. They might even request your sage advice. And occasionally, they will visit; not as much as you would like, but enough to prove they still love you.

Because you have loved your children enough to let them go you really have not lost them. The fire of love you kindled in their hearts will not die out—unless you smother it. Unselfish love is unbreakable and will grow, regardless of distance. “Love never fails.”—1 Corinthians 13:8.

One appreciative son, away from home and about to get married, thus assured his parents: “I want you all to know that I love you very much and miss you. But the Bible says that a man will leave his father and his mother. I’m going to do my best to carry on the family name up here and make it a respected name. When Kelly and I become one, we’re going to visit regularly.” And that’s the way it should be.

[Picture on page 11]

Use visits as occasions to show your love for one another

[Picture on page 12]

Get reacquainted with your mate now that you have more time alone

Put It in Writing!

“THE house was not in the best condition,” recalls Frank.a “But, with a heating system, some bathroom tile and maybe a little decorating work here and there, it could be made livable.” So when Frank’s friend Dave said he’d be willing to do the necessary work, Frank was happy to let him and his family move in. Frank is sure Dave agreed to pay a nominal rent.

Dave, on the other hand, remembers no such agreement. In his view the house was “gutted and unlivable.” After spending hundreds of dollars to fix it up, Dave resented Frank’s pressing him to pay rent. “I felt in my heart that I really did not owe Frank any money,” confessed Dave.

While greed may be at the heart of many a dispute, not so in this case. There was no lease, no written agreement—nothing but two conflicting recollections. “Something in writing might have prevented this whole problem from occurring,” bemoaned Frank.

In view of the great number of lawsuits, even when there are written documents, one might wonder if it is worth the trouble to sign agreements. In the United States, for example, lawsuits have become such a way of life that recently The Wall Street Journal spoke of a “litigation explosion.” This, then, is all the more reason for you to protect your interests by putting legal agreements in writing. ‘But is it really necessary when dealing with friends?’ you may ask.

At times, normally businesslike people take dangerous liberties when dealing with friends. ‘I’d be embarrassed to ask a friend to sign a contract,’ some say. But is it wise to feel this way? Suppose you hire a neighbor to paint your home’s entranceway. He may misunderstand certain details. “Entranceway” to you encompasses steps, porch and doors, while to him it means only “doorway.” And what if he uses the wrong color paint? Surely it is better kindly to insist on putting the deal in writing! No mistrust is implied—just the possibility of failing memories.

“Whereas the Undersigned Have Agreed . . .”

When we say “contract” you may envisage pages of legal technicalities. But books on law show that a contract is merely “a mutual obligation between two people with a mutual right by either to demand its performance.” A mere promise is not necessarily a contract, for a contract is a legally enforceable agreement.

What, then, makes a promise “legally enforceable”? While laws vary according to locality, three elements usually must exist for a contract to be valid: (1) A legitimate offer. (2) Acceptance. (3) Mutual consideration.b (Both parties must contribute something, such as money, or a promise to do or not to do something.)

An account in the Bible at Genesis chapter 23 well illustrates these legal principles. Here we learn of Abraham’s purchase of a burial plot for his beloved wife, Sarah. The scene opens at the gate of the city where business was regularly transacted. Abraham begins by respectfully bowing down to the sons of Heth. He straightforwardly requests “the cave of Machpelah” belonging to Ephron and offers to pay “the full amount of silver.” Instead, Ephron offers to “give” not only the cave but also the surrounding field. But Abraham insists on paying. Possibly Ephron’s promise to “give” him the land could later have been challenged. So the price of “four hundred silver shekels” is agreed upon and paid.—Genesis 23:1-20.

In this real-life event both parties were respectful. The sale took place in front of witnesses and according to established legal procedures. And while it is not specifically stated that a written deed was signed, it does show that the boundaries of the land purchased were explicitly “confirmed.”—Genesis 23:17.

Abraham knew that relying on vague promises was no way to conduct business. Follow his example. For instance, if you want your neighbor friend to paint your entranceway, get together with him and work out the details. Specifically, what does “entranceway” encompass? What color? What kind of paint? When should the job be completed? At what price?

Putting It in Writing

A contract does not have to be written in difficult language to be legally binding or effective. Clear, simple words can be used. Unfortunately, contracts are often worded in ways that only experts can decipher. There was an insurance company president who could not comprehend parts of his own homeowner’s policy! So pompous words may cause confusion.

Likely you can handle the writing out of your simple contract by jotting down the points you have agreed upon, dating the document and signing it in duplicate. Bear in mind, however, that complex contracts, such as real-estate sales, are best left to professionals.

Before You Sign on the Dotted Line

You may be thrust into situations where you feel pressured to sign something. Hospitals, for example, often ask patients to sign many forms. Or a busy insurance agent asks you to sign a lengthy, detailed policy. However, it is important that you understand what you sign, as ignorance may not excuse you legally.

So ask questions. Does this form give the hospital permission to perform an operation you don’t want or to give you treatment that may in some way be objectionable? Does the insurance policy really fit your needs? Look out for phrases such as “not responsible.” It may mean just that! Make sure you understand the essential elements of any document you sign.

Suppose, for example, that an employer offers to give you certain training. Because such training makes you a potential competitor, he may ask you to sign an agreement stating that, upon quitting, you will refrain from doing certain work for a particular length of time in a defined area. Do the courts respect an employer’s right to protect his interests in this way? Say the authors of Making the Law Work for You: A Guide for Small Businesses: “In nearly all jurisdictions in the United States . . . a reasonably drafted noncompetition agreement is enforceable.” You had better count the cost before signing such an agreement.

“He Has Sworn to What Is Bad for Himself”

Sometimes the most judicious of people find themselves locked into an undesirable agreement. Some break their word rather than suffer a loss. Yet the Bible commends the person who has “sworn to what is bad for himself, and yet he does not alter.” (Psalm 15:4) This means being willing to accept the consequences of your bad agreement—chalking it up to experience.

However, there is some recourse. Note the principle embodied in Proverbs 6:1-3 according to Today’s English Version of the Bible: “Son, have you promised to be responsible for someone else’s debts? Have you been caught by your own words, trapped by your own promises? Well then, son, . . . this is how to get out of it: hurry to him, and beg him to release you.” Your persistent efforts may result in your being freed from the unwise agreement. If not, Jesus’ counsel to let your “Yes mean Yes” will likely help you accept the consequences with stoic calm.—Matthew 5:33-37.

The Best Laid Plans . . .

Even the most meticulously worded agreement can lead to problems. “Time and unforeseen occurrence” can make it impossible to follow through on promises made with the best of intentions. (Ecclesiastes 9:11) Misunderstandings can still occur. But Christian love, a sense of fairness, generosity and mutual understanding can smother the fire of contention.—Philippians 2:3, 4.

Some Christians in the first century resorted to court litigation to settle disputes they had with fellow believers. But the Bible advises against doing so, asking: “Is it true that there is not one wise man among you that will be able to judge between his brothers?” (1 Corinthians 6:5) Likely you know a person experienced in such matters who could be of help if you cannot work out the problems on a personal basis. A neutral person, willing to look at both sides calmly and objectively, can often come up with a fresh insight. Maybe the answer lies somewhere in your contract. Interestingly, this basic approach, called arbitration in legal circles, has gained popularity, as it spares the expense, time and anxiety of a protracted court case.

We hope this information will help you avoid getting embroiled in controversy, suffering a financial loss or losing a friend. Take the time to handle matters properly—legally. Talk matters out. Plan thoroughly. And by all means—PUT IT IN WRITING!

[Footnotes]

The names of these individuals have been changed.

A book on business law states that “consideration in the conventional contract sense is peculiar to Anglo-American law.” In the United States there is some indication that consideration is losing “much of its importance as a contract requirement.”

[Picture on page 14]

Do not be embarrassed to ask someone to sign a contract

My Ballet Career—The Beauty and the Beast of It

I LET out a cry as I was falling to the ground, unconscious. I awoke being carried into the stage area I had just left. Quickly a sheet of wood was thrown onto two wooden sawhorses, forming a crude table on which I was placed. A big spotlight was focused on me.

The crowd of people in the room gathered around me in horror. There was blood gushing from my face, that glaring spotlight and a man standing over me saying, through clenched teeth: “Nothing happened, nothing happened! Do you understand, nothing happened!”

What “didn’t” happen? Who was this man and those people around me? How had I come to be in this situation? What happened as a result of it? I’d like to answer these questions, but first let me go back to when I was three years old.

I was the typical little girl thrilled and dazzled by the ballerina I saw on television. I decided then that I was going to be a ballerina when I grew up. So dancing became my reason for living. In time I achieved my goal of becoming a professional ballet dancer.

In the course of my career I appeared on a number of television programs, either to dance or to be interviewed. One of several appearances I had on the Mike Douglas Show featured Carol Burnett. Before that show we were given only a few days’ notice that we were to be cancan dancers with Miss Burnett. When we got to the TV studio, they explained that all of us were supposed to be good dancers facing the audience, but that Carol Burnett would be in the middle of the line with her back to the audience doing everything wrong. And, of course, she would finally turn around, and the audience would know who was out of step. One catch, though. The TV studio neglected to tell us that the music had been switched from cancan to “The Most Beautiful Girl in the World”! What a change in tempo! They gave us one or two run-throughs and taped the show before a live audience. I still wonder if the audience got the point that we were supposed to be the “good” dancers.

Training Your Mind

In my training from childhood several things were deeply ingrained in my thinking. The first was total obedience to the artistic director (one who has the combined jobs of ballet master and choreographer). The second was absolute loyalty to the company and the art of dance; “the show must go on” no matter what. And the third, to develop one’s own talent to its fullest, one must be prepared to eat, sleep, breathe ballet—and ballet only. And once I came under contract even decisions involving my personal life (what little I had left) were made for me.

Another part of my training was to learn how to make last-minute changes or immediate decisions due to the unexpected, being sure the performance continued smoothly. To illustrate, one time I made a very fast change, the wardrobe mistress zipping me up with just seconds before my cue. However, in the wings on the other side of the stage stood my partner with her wardrobe mistress waving frantically and gesturing that the costume’s zipper had just broken! No time to sew her in or even pin her in. With one costume zipped and one not, the audience would know something had gone wrong. As I heard my cue and stepped forward I simultaneously felt my zipper get yanked down and the two of us made our entrance onto the Academy of Music stage in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, wondering if we would be the first ballet-dancers-turned-burlesque-dancers before that number was over! Happily, we remained ballet dancers.

During my early teen years it became popular for girls to have short hairdos. My hair was long. I decided I could have the best of both worlds by cutting my hair short but leaving it just long enough to put some of it in a rubber band and then put on a hairpiece, a bun. In theory that sounded good. In practice—well, that was another story. After using at least one hundred bobby pins to anchor the fake bun, I “lacquered” my head with hair spray and was ready to perform. Everything went fine until after a series of pirouettes (turns on one leg) across the stage. I stopped, but my bun kept going—just like a flying saucer, sequins glittering in the lights, out into the dark audience! The audience was hysterical with laughter, my director livid (to put it mildly) and I was scared to death! Since a professional dancer should not allow even a small string from her toe shoe to be visible on stage, you can imagine what a “sin” it is to lose your hair. The rest of the company knew I was in for big trouble, and so they hid me in a closet until tempers calmed down.

Training Your Body

Allow me to say here that I am describing the training of a professional ballet dancer, not what you might expect if your child wishes to take ballet lessons for the grace and exercise of the dance.

Training for a professional career, however, is an intense, constant discipline of the body with the potential of a host of physical injuries. In my case I started when I was seven years old with one class a week. Quickly, this increased to 2, 3, 4 and eventually as many as 15 classes a week. Before being on a professional level, I performed perhaps eight times a year.

When I was about 16 our company went professional, and the number of performances jumped overnight to nearly 80 performances a year. This put a tremendous demand on us. By the time I graduated from high school I was working a part-time secretarial job after school, taking several classes every weeknight but one, and these classes were followed by rehearsals. It was not unusual for a rehearsal to go as late as one or two in the morning. From Friday night through Sunday we usually had two or three performances. Each performance was preceded by warm-up classes and rehearsals. I would estimate that I spent an average of from 35 to 40 hours a week in training, rehearsing and scheduled performances. In my “spare” time I choreographed musicals for schools and theater groups, including Music Man, The King and I and Finian’s Rainbow.

After high school I held a full-time secretarial position during the day and averaged from 45 to 50 hours a week training, rehearsing and performing. While I could have lived off my earnings as a professional dancer, I chose to work another job to save extra money. I realized that when I would try to make my “break” in a major ballet company I would need extra funds to live off of until such a “break” came.

What about a professional ballet dancer’s feet after spending hours in toe shoes? At first, the shoe is hard, and friction will cause blisters. In time the blisters get tough and you develop a corn. A new blister can form under every corn. And this cycle will keep repeating itself. The end result is raw, bloody toes. There are times when all the corns are tough at the same time, and then times when several are back at the raw stage—the latter being more common.

What about your toenails? You must be prepared to lose them and keep dancing while the new ones are growing back—this being done in a toe shoe that runs several sizes smaller than your street shoe. Yet you never miss a performance because your feet hurt, which is most of the time. You bear up even if it means you will finish your performance with blood-soaked toe shoes, which I have done. We were taught that you weren’t considered a real pro until you lost all your toenails at least once.

One never pampered any injury. When I was 14 years old, I once got to class late. I had missed the barre work (where muscles are warmed up and stretched) and joined the class in doing splits. The muscles were cold and tight, I pushed and—snap! I will not attempt to describe the pain. Hearing that sound, mothers came running in from the outer office wondering who had broken a bone. We were told it was a torn ligament, and I was made to walk on it all that night. I cried and begged for mercy, but I was told I couldn’t baby the injury. I obeyed and never did go to a doctor.

Eleven years later I had major surgery performed because of the complications caused by that accident. The mothers had been right. I learned that the bottom portion of my right pelvic bone had broken right off. I had lost a significant percentage of nerve usage on my right side, had muscle damage, and the bottom piece of my pelvic bone is still detached.

Injuries can be minor or major ones. But since dancers are constantly using their bodies, the minor injuries often become chronic in that they never have a chance to heal properly. One girl in our company pulled the muscles of several ribs doing a particularly difficult lift. She could not perform thereafter without being taped in so as to be able to execute that lift. I recall two occasions where, because of such painful muscle injuries, dancers were given cortisone shots just to get through a performance.

From my experience, as a professional ballet dancer, whether it is feet, muscles or even bones, something in the body aches or hurts at least 75 to 80 percent of the time.

Looking Back With Tears

Then our small ballet company received financial grants. We each signed our very first contract and were being paid to do what we loved! Life was wonderful—for about a week. The Board of Directors selected me to be the representative of the company and mediate between the dancers and the Board regarding questions or disputes over contracts. I heard an earful. Almost overnight, friendships turned to rivalries. Tempers and arguments flared. The language often used hardly matched our delicate, graceful image. We learned what competition was and in some cases forgot what friendship meant. It was an entirely different world now, and it hurt.

What was the moral climate like? I was surrounded by adultery, homosexuality, bisexuality and other perversions. One male dancer once came in with a professional photograph of a beautiful, voluptuous woman in a formal gown. We wondered what he wanted with a picture of a woman, until we learned it was a picture of him!

I had danced with this company since I was 11, growing up under my director’s oversight like a child before a father. I was trusting, loyal and had earned my roles through hard work and talent. Due to the injury I mentioned earlier, my roles had taken a setback, but now I was also a soloist and had the privilege of being in a pas de trois (dance for three persons) with the company’s prima ballerina and premier danseur (male lead in a company) in an original modern ballet work.

However, I felt I was ready for a role to be specifically choreographed for me, this being an important part of my future. I approached my director on the matter, and he agreed I was ready and said he would choreograph it for me—on one condition—that I would grant him special promiscuous “favors.”

I was shocked and at first thought he was joking. It soon became apparent he was serious. Now I was angry. I couldn’t believe he would do this to me! I flatly refused and wasn’t about to give in. He continued trying to change my mind, reminding me always that everything I had achieved—the roles, the money, the contract—was due to him. What good were hard work and talent? This left me confused, hurt and bitter.

New Shocks

Shortly after this, I had come out after a performance and was heading for my car down the street. Before I could unlock the door, two young men came out from behind and jumped me. One held my arms in a full nelson hold while the other repeatedly beat his fists into my face. What followed is where my story opened.

Why did they want to beat me up? This was in the late 1960’s when racial riots and tensions ran high across the United States. I was white, they were black. So I was a victim of a society’s frustration.

But why, then, did my director keep repeating over me as I lay there bleeding, “Nothing happened”? Because it was feared that if the reporters and those who provided our funds heard about the incident, we might lose the grants. Someone called an ambulance. It was canceled. Others said, get her to a doctor or a hospital. It was refused. All that mattered was the safeguarding of the financial interests.

Lying there, emotionally numb, I realized I was nothing more than a piece of meat to be used for making money for others. When my contract was up several months later I left, with the threat that I could be blackballed from ever getting into another company.

My whole world caved in under me. I felt as if I had nothing to live for. Not trusting any human, I finally prayed an entire night to God, using his name, Jehovah. My mother had previously studied the Bible with Jehovah’s Witnesses and had taught us kids whenever she could, in spite of my father’s bitter opposition to her Bible studies. As a result, I had some Bible knowledge, but it meant little to me. Now, though, in desperation, I called on Jehovah and, since the Witnesses had been kind to my mother, I asked him that night to send Jehovah’s Witnesses if they could help me straighten myself out.

The day after that prayer I moved to San Francisco, hoping for a fresh start with a new ballet company and soon started dancing with San Francisco Ballet. Within three weeks my prayer was answered when, moving into a new apartment, I discovered that the manager was associating with Jehovah’s Witnesses! She immediately arranged for me to attend a meeting at a Kingdom Hall. I was so impressed with the friendliness of all there. Sad to say, though, I became so engrossed in preparing to audition for San Francisco Ballet’s coming season and in working that weeks went by before the Witnesses could find me again.

However, during this period two things began happening to me. Prior to when I was beaten up I had had a problem with one of my eyes, even having several operations. But now since my head had been beaten, I quickly was losing my sight and was in a great deal of pain. All I wanted to do was dance, and yet dancing with a new company was not bringing me the happiness I was so sure it would.

The depression and frustration returned, and at about that time so did the Witnesses. They talked with me and offered me two Bible study aids. I wanted to contribute for the books but only had 50 cents left before my next paycheck, and that money had been set aside for a pack of cigarettes, as I was addicted to smoking. The books won. I read one that evening, along with portions of my Bible and knew I had found not only the truth about God’s purpose for mankind in general but a purpose in life for myself.

Looking Ahead Happy and Secure

After studying the Bible with the Witnesses, I became a dedicated, baptized servant of Jehovah God. My goal now was to become a pioneer (full-time minister). I felt very strongly that to have devoted myself whole-souled to dancing for 13 years and then to give Jehovah any less than that devotion would be a complete lack of appreciation for all that he had done for me.

Ah, but dancing was still in my heart, and just when I was able to begin my new career as a pioneer, a ballet company offered me the role of the Sugarplum Fairy in The Nutcracker. They even said I could have my congregation meeting nights free, rehearsing the company around my schedule. Most ballet companies just do not do that! It was so tempting.

I prayed over the matter, reflecting on all the things that had happened to me as a result of my professional career and why I had turned to Jehovah in the first place. I thought about the peace of mind I was experiencing now. I decided that night to turn that role down and at the same time never return to my dancing career in this system of things.

How do I feel now? I know I made the right decision. I have been blessed with a loving husband, and these past 14 years since I left my ballet career I have continued in my full-time preaching activity. Presently, my husband and I are serving as volunteers at the world headquarters of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

I did eventually lose one eye in order to save the sight in the other. But imagine my joy when one of the first persons I aided on the road to life confided that she knew I had something she wanted when she saw I was able to smile and talk with such confidence about the day I’ll see completely again. Yes, God’s purpose is to rid the earth of all immorality and wickedness and transform this earth back into a Paradise. Then all mankind will grow back to physical, emotional and spiritual perfection and live forever.

What about my dancing? I haven’t given up dancing forever by any means. I’m taking a temporary break. Now the most important thing I can do is tell others about this coming Paradise earth. Then there will be forever to dance to my heart’s content, without the pain and frustration experienced in this system. I anticipate doing a lot of dancing then, just as King David did on an occasion of joy. (2 Samuel 6:14) And I hope you will be there to dance with me.—As told by Elizabeth Balnave.

[Blurb on page 17]

The audience was hysterical with laughter, my director livid, and I was scared to death!

[Blurb on page 18]

From my experience something in your body aches or hurts at least 75 to 80 percent of the time

[Blurb on page 19]

I was surrounded by adultery, homosexuality and other perversions

[Blurb on page 20]

Within three weeks, my prayer was answered

Crossword Puzzle

Clues Across

1. Written by the “finger of God” [2 words] (Deuteronomy 9:10; 10:1-4, Authorized Version)

8. Resting place of Noah’s ark (Genesis 8:4)

9. Sixth month of Jewish sacred calendar (Nehemiah 6:15)

11. Ephesian silversmith who incited a riot against Paul (Acts 19:23-41)

13. Paul’s third missionary journey brought him opposite this island in the Aegean Sea (Acts 20:15)

14. Son of Jonathan who returned with Ezra to Jerusalem (Ezra 8:6)

15. He judged Israel for 23 years (Judges 10:1, 2)

17. His sister was Hazzelelponi (1 Chronicles 4:3)

21. Description of sickle used by Jesus to reap the earth (Revelation 14:14-16)

24. ‐‐‐‐ I am! Send me.” (Isaiah 6:8)

25. “Both the ‐‐‐‐urean and the Stoic philosophers” argued with Paul (Acts 17:18)

26. “Death-dealing confusion” broke out in this Philistine city due to the presence of the Ark there (1 Samuel 5:10-12)

27. A border town in the territory of Asher (Joshua 19:24-27)

28. One of Behemoth’s bones is like a copper ‐‐‐‐ (Job 40:15-18)

30. A wilderness where David hid from King Saul (1 Samuel 24:1-22)

32. When Jesus’ face “shone as the sun, and his outer garments became brilliant as the light” (Matthew 17:1-9)

Clues Down

1. One of the 12 apostles (Matthew 10:2-4)

2. Ancient measure equal to the homer (Ezekiel 45:13, 14)

3. Christians should “press on to” this (Hebrews 6:1, 2)

4. Time of life (Isaiah 46:4)

5. Thirty-ninth book of the Hebrew Scriptures in most Bibles

6. Prophetess who tried to stop the rebuilding of Jerusalem’s walls (Nehemiah 6:14)

7. Companion of Paul on his second missionary journey (Acts 15:40)

10. Place mentioned in earliest Canaanite boundary description (Genesis 10:19)

12. King Saul consulted a spirit medium here (1 Samuel 28:7-25)

16. Used for cleaning clothes (Malachi 3:2)

18. David’s secretary (2 Samuel 20:25)

19. Witnessed by the apostles on the Mount of Olives (Acts 1:9-12)

20. Place in the vicinity of Moses’ grave (Deuteronomy 34:5, 6)

22. This king said Paul might persuade him to become a Christian (Acts 26:1-29)

23. Family descendants of Issachar’s second son (Numbers 26:23)

24. Moses’ brother-in-law (Numbers 10:29)

26. Where Jehovah’s people must not go for assistance (Isaiah 31:1-3)

29. Ask your father for this and he will not hand you a scorpion (Luke 11:9-13)

31. “‐‐‐ out of her, my people” (Revelation 18:4)

CROSSWORD SOLUTIONS PAGE 27

Answers Across

1. TEN COMMANDMENTS

8. ARARAT

9. ELUL

11. DEMETRIUS

13. CHIOS

14. EBED

15. TOLA

17. ISHMA

21. SHARP

24. HERE

25. EPIC

26. EKRON

27. BETHDAGON

28. TUBE

30. ENGEDI

32. TRANSFIGURATION

Answers Down

1. THADDAEUS

2. COR

3. MATURITY

4. AGE

5. MALACHI

6. NOADIAH

7. SILAS

10. LASHA

12. ENDOR

16. LYE

18. SHEVA

19. ASCENSION

20. BETHPEOR

22. AGRIPPA

23. PUNITES

24. HOBAB

26. EGYPT

29. EGG

31. GET

How Do I Handle a Job Interview?

Young People Ask . . .

How Do I Handle a Job Interview?

“Scared! That’s how I felt at the job interview,” remembers Sal when he was trying to get his first job. “I was afraid of failure because I had no work experience.”

Is that how you feel about applying for a job? You are not alone with that feeling. Just thinking about the interview can make many people—young or old—break out in a cold sweat, especially if it is their first. And almost everyone employed has had a first job interview. But they survived, and so can you.

Young people are underemployed—true. There are fewer jobs than there are youths who want them—true. This means it is useless to try to get a job—FALSE! Beware of the feeling, ‘There is a lack of opportunity.’ Opportunity offers itself every day if you are willing to go ahead and look for it. You may need a full-time job due to personal obligations or you may want a part-time job. In either case you can be the one who passes the job interview and gets the job if you take the initiative. And initiative is one of the big things employers look for in future workers. You must take the first step.

Do not look at the obstacles on the road to a successful job interview as insurmountable. Rather, view them as obstacles to be hurdled. A Bible proverb offers this advice: “The way of the lazy one is like a brier hedge, but the path of the upright ones is a way cast up.” To the lazy any challenge is imagined as a “brier hedge” too prickly to handle. So nothing is done. But to the wise the road is “cast up,” or looks as smooth and wide as a superhighway with all stonelike obstacles cleared away. The wise are willing to move ahead and meet the challenge.—Proverbs 15:19.

Before You Go

Do you know what your strengths and weaknesses are? Be honest with yourself, because having a realistic view of your strong and weak points is part of the preparation needed for job hunting. This knowledge acts as a guard against becoming cocky and demanding. Mr. Cleveland P. Jones, a consultant who conducts job seminars, comments about an attitude found in many youths: “They want a job where they work as little as they can but make the most money possible. Yet in today’s world, that is just not done. They have to keep in mind that they are going to start at the bottom of the ladder.”

The right to move up to a better job must be earned. But first you must have a job. Then by performing your duties well and by gaining valuable on-the-job experience not only will your confidence grow but your employer’s confidence in you will grow too. Now you are ready to handle more responsibility.

Wanting a job is not enough. You must find out what the job requires and then prepare to meet those requirements. Balk at the employer’s every request and likely you will miss the opportunity for a better job. Those requirements act as a ruler for measuring your potential worth as an employee. “I have known of people being fired,” says Jones, “because they told their employers, ‘Well, if I can’t listen to my radio, I can’t work.’”

“Before going on a job interview, remember, first impressions are lasting impressions,” comments Jones. He cautions against wearing blue jeans and sneakers to an interview and stresses the need to be clean and neat. ‘But, I have the right to wear whatever I want to,’ some may say. The employer also has the right to hire anyone he wants to. He has the job, and you are the one looking for that job. Right or wrong, the employer may conclude that the way a person dresses is the way the person will work.

Therefore, it is usually safe to dress up for any job interview, whether for an office job or for a factory job. When applying for an office job, dress as a business person dresses. When applying for a factory job, dress with clean and pressed slacks and shirt and with neat-looking shoes. If you are a woman, dress modestly and use cosmetics sparingly. And if applying for an office job, wear hose and dress shoes to complement a conservative dress.

Is a résumé (a short written account of your qualifications) always needed? A résumé may not be necessary for many jobs, such as in a factory, but it often is for an office job.

During the Interview

When going on the interview, always go alone, cautions Mr. Jones. The employer wants to talk to you and hear your reasons for wanting the job, not your friend’s. If you bring your mother or friends with you to the interview, the employer may conclude that you are immature.

‘Suppose the employer asks me if I have had prior work experience, how do I answer?’ you may wonder. Do not bluff. “Be honest,” Sal says. “They can tell if you’re lying or faking it.”

If this will be your first job, even though you may not realize it you may have had some prior work experience. How so? Did you ever have a summer job? Or did you do baby-sitting? Or did you have a regular work assignment in your home caring for family chores? Were you given a responsibility to take care of certain duties at your place of worship? Have you ever had training in public speaking? If so, then these things could be mentioned at the interview or listed in your résumé to show that you can handle responsibility.

Another important concern of employers is how interested you are in their company and the job being offered. Therefore you must convince them that you want to do the work and can do it and that you want the chance to prove it. The “what’s-in-it-for-me” type of attitude will turn off the interviewer’s interest in you faster than a push-button switch. The interviewer is interested in what you can do for the company, not in what the company can do for you.

Applying for and getting a full- or part-time job is a challenge that you can meet successfully. And when that job is used as a tool to help others, not just yourself, satisfaction becomes a fringe benefit.

[Box on page 24]

RÉSUMÉ

SALVATORE JAMES JONES

123 Fourth Street, Apt. 321

Brooklyn, New York 11201

Telephone: (212) 989-4586

POSITION APPLYING FOR

Customer Service representative

EDUCATION

High School Graduate—attended Brooklyn High School, Brooklyn, NY, from September 1978 to June 1982

EXPERIENCE

Summer job stocking shelves at Green’s Food Market, Brooklyn, NY, July and August 1981

Delivered morning newspapers for the Brooklyn Times, September 1980 to June 1981

ADDITIONAL EXPERIENCE

Attend 45-minute public speaking course each week

Give 5-minute speech every 6 weeks to audience of 95 at Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses, Brooklyn, NY from 1972 to present

Assist in weekly lawn and shrubbery maintenance at Kingdom Hall from 1980 to present

REFERENCES

Samuel Green, manager of Green’s Food Market, 789 Spruce Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11201

John P. Shepherd, presiding minister, 456 Elm Avenue, Brooklyn, NY 11201

Mrs. Anna Temple, neighbor, 125 Fourth Street, Brooklyn, NY 11201

PERSONNEL DATA

Age: 18

Height: 5ʹ-9ʺ

Weight: 150 pounds

Marital Status: Single

[Box on page 25]

What to Do During the Job Interview

● Be grown-up, businesslike. Greet employer with proper respect. Call him “Mr.”—not “Jack,” “Buddy” or “Pal.”

● Sit up straight in chair, feet firmly on floor; look alert. Advance planning will help you to be calm, poised and at ease.

● Think before answering a question. Be polite, accurate, honest and frank. Give full information. Do not brag.

● Have guide sheet with you of all your jobs, dates of work, your wages, kinds of work you did, reasons you left.

● Be ready to show how your training and work experience will help you to get ahead on job you are asking for.

…

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Awake!, February 8, 1983