The secret of family happiness (1996)

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The Secret of FAMILY HAPPINESS

THE FAMILY is the oldest known human institution, but today it is in trouble. The frightening spread in teenage drug abuse and immorality, the modern plague of divorce and family violence, the explosive growth in the number of single-parent families, and other serious problems make some wonder whether family life will survive.

Is it still possible for a family to be a stable, nurturing environment for its members? Yes, if family members know the real secret of family happiness. This secret is not hidden. It has been tried and tested over many, many centuries. What is it? This book, The Secret of Family Happiness, gives the answer. It also gives practical examples of how this "secret" can help resolve a number of challenging family situations. Is there anyone today who does not need such information?

The Secret of FAMILY HAPPINESS

The Secret of

FAMILY

WATCH TOWER BIBLE AND TRACT SOCIETY OF PENNSYLVANIA

PUBLISHERS

WATCHTOWER BIBLE AND TRACT SOCIETY OF NEW YORK, INC.

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK, U.S.A.

2012 PRINTING

THIS PUBLICATION IS NOT FOR SALE. IT IS PROVIDED AS PART

OF A WORLDWIDE BIBLE EDUCATIONAL WORK

SUPPORTED BY VOLUNTEARY DONATIONS.

UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.

SCRIPTURE QUOTATIONS ARE FROM THE MODERN-LANGUAGE

NEW WORLD TRANSLATION OF THE HOLY SCRIPTURES—WITH REFERENCES.

THE SECRET OF FAMILY HAPPINESS ENGLISH (Jy-E)

MADE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA CONTENTS

CHAPTER PAGE

1 Is There a Secret of Family Happiness? 5

2 Preparing for a Successful Marriage 13

3 Two Keys to a Lasting Marriage 27

4 How Can You Manage a Household? 39

5 Train Your Child From Infancy 51

6 Help Your Teenager to Thrive 64

7 Is There a Rebel in the House? 76

8 Protect Your Family From Destructive Influences 90

9 Single-Parent Families Can Succeed! 103

10 When a Family Member Is Sick 116

11 Maintain Peace in Your Household 128

12 You Can Overcome Problems That Damage a Family 142

13 If Marriage Is at the Breaking Point 153

14 Growing Older Together 163

15 Honoring Our Elderly Parents 173

16 Secure a Lasting Future for Your Family 183

Is There a Secret of Family Happiness?

THE family is the oldest institution on earth, and it plays a vital role in human society. Throughout history, strong families have helped to make strong societies. The family is the best arrangement for bringing up children to be mature adults.

2 A happy family is a haven of safety and security. Envision the ideal family for a moment. During their evening meal, caring parents sit with their children and discuss the events of the day. Children chatter excitedly as they tell their father and mother about what happened at school. The relaxing time spent together refreshes everyone for another day in the world outside.

3 In a happy family, a child knows that his father and mother will care for him when he gets sick, perhaps takes turns at his bedside through the night. He knows that he can go to his mother or father with the problems of his young life and get advice and support. Yes, the child feels safe, no matter how trouble-filled the outside world may be.

4 When children grow up, they usually get married and have a family of their own. "A person realizes how indebted he is to his parents when he has a child of his own," says an Oriental proverb. With a deep sense of gratitude and love, the grown children try to make their own families happy, and they also care for their now aging parents, who delight in the company of the grandchildren.

5 Perhaps at this point you are thinking: 'Well, I love my family, but it is not like the one just described. My spouse and I work different schedules and hardly see each other. We talk mostly about money problems.' Or do you say, 'My children and grandchildren live in another town, and I never get to see them'? Yes, for reasons often beyond the control of those involved, much family life is less than ideal. Still, some lead happy family lives. How? Is there a secret of family happiness? The answer is yes. But before discussing what it is, we should answer an important question.

WHAT IS A FAMILY?

6 In Western lands, most families consist of a father, a mother, and children. Grandparents may live in their own households as long as they can.

While contact is kept up with more-distant relatives, duties toward these are limited. Basically, this is the family that we will discuss in this book. However, other families have become increasingly common in recent years—the single-parent family, the stepfamily, and the family whose parents are not living together for one reason or another.

7 Common in some cultures is the extended family. In this arrangement, if possible, grandparents are routinely looked after by their children, and close ties and responsibilities extend to distant relatives. For instance, family members may help to support, raise, and even pay for the education of their nieces, nephews, or more-distant relatives. The principles to be discussed in this publication apply also to extended families.

THE FAMILY UNDER STRESS

8 Today the family is changing—sad to say, not for the better. An example is seen in India, where a wife may live with the family of her husband and work in the home under the direction of her in-laws. Nowadays, though, it is not uncommon for Indian wives to seek employment outside the home. Yet they are apparently still expected to fulfill their traditional roles in the home. The question raised in many lands is, Compared with other members of the family, how much work should a woman with an outside job be expected to do in the home?

9 In Oriental societies, strong extended-family ties are traditional. However, under the influence of Western-style individualism and the stress of economic problems, the traditional extended family is weakening.

Many, therefore, view care of aged family members as a burden rather than as a duty or a privilege. Some elderly parents are abused. Indeed, abuse and neglect of the aged are found in many countries today.

10 Divorce is becoming increasingly common. In Spain the divorce rate rose to 1 out of 8 marriages by the beginning of the final decade of the 20th century-a big jump from 1 out of 100 just 25 years before. Britain, with reportedly the highest divorce rate in Europe (4 out of 10 marriages are expected to fail), has seen a surge in the number of single-parent families.

11 Many in Germany seem to be abandoning the traditional family altogether. The 1990's saw 35 percent of all German households made up of a single person and 31 percent made up of just two individuals. The French too are marrying less often, and those who do marry divorce more often and earlier than used to be the case. Growing numbers prefer to live together without the responsibilities of marriage. Comparable trends are seen worldwide.

12 What of children? In the United States and many other lands, more and more are born out of wedlock, some to young teenagers. Many teenage girls have a number of children from different fathers. Reports from around the world tell of millions of homeless children roaming the streets; many are escaping from abusive homes or are cast out by families that can no longer support them.

13 Yes, the family is in crisis. In addition to what has already been mentioned, teenage rebellion, child abuse, spousal violence, alcoholism, and other devastating problems rob many families of happiness. For a great number of children and adults, the family is far from being a haven.

14 Why the family crisis? Some blame the present-day family crisis on the entry of women into the workplace. Others point to today's moral breakdown. And additional causes are cited. Almost two thousand years ago, a well-known lawyer foretold that many pressures would afflict the family, when he wrote: "In the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, self-assuming, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal, having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God." (2 Timothy 3:1-4) Who would doubt that these words are being fulfilled today? In a world with conditions such as these, is it any wonder that many families are in crisis?

THE SECRET OF FAMILY HAPPINESS

15 Counsel on how to achieve happiness in the family is offered from all sides.

In the West, a neverending stream of self-help books and magazines offer advice. The problem is that human counselors contradict one another, and what is fashionable counsel today may be viewed as unworkable tomorrow.

16 Where, then, can we look for reliable family guidance? Well, would you look to a book completed some 1,900 years ago? Or would you feel that a book like this must be hopelessly out-of-date? The truth is, the real secret of family happiness is found in just such a source.

17 That source is the Bible. According to all the evidence, it was inspired by God himself. In the Bible we find the following statement: 'All Scripture is inspired of God and beneficial for teaching, for reproving, for setting things straight, for disciplining in righteousness.' (2 Timothy 3:16) In this publication we will encourage you to consider how the Bible can help you to 'set things straight' when handling the stresses and problems facing families today.

18 If you are inclined to dismiss the possibility that the Bible can help to make families happy, consider this: The One who inspired the Bible is the Originator of the marriage arrangement. (Genesis 2:18-25) The Bible says that his name is Jehovah. (Psalm 83:18) He is the Creator and 'the Father, to whom every family owes its name.' (Ephesians 3:14, 15) Jehovah has observed family life since mankind's beginning. He knows the problems that can arise and has given counsel for solving them. Throughout history, those who sincerely applied Bible principles in their family life found greater happiness.

19 For example, a housewife in Indonesia was a compulsive gambler. For years she neglected her three children and regularly quarreled with her husband. Then she started to study the Bible. Gradually the woman came to believe what the Bible said. When she applied its counsel, she became a better wife. Her efforts, based on Bible principles, brought happiness to her entire family.

20 A housewife in Spain says: "We had been married only a year when we began to have serious problems." She and her husband did not have much in common, and they spoke little except when they were arguing. Despite having a young daughter, they decided to get a legal separation. Before that happened, though, they were encouraged to look into the Bible. They studied its counsel for married men and women and began to apply it. Before long, they could communicate peacefully, and their small family was happily united.

21 The Bible helps older people too. For instance, consider the experience of a certain Japanese couple. The husband was short-tempered and sometimes violent. First, the couple's daughters began to study the Bible, despite their parents' opposition. Then, the husband joined his daughters, but the wife continued to object. Over the years, however, she noticed the good effect of Bible principles on her family. Her daughters took good care of her, and her husband became much milder. Such changes moved the woman to look into the Bible for herself, and it had the same good effect on her. This elderly lady repeatedly said: "We became a real married couple."

22 These individuals are among the great many who have learned the secret of family happiness. They have accepted the Bible's counsel and have applied it. True, they live in the same violent, immoral, economically stressed world as everyone else. Moreover, they are imperfect, but they find happiness in trying to do the will of the Originator of the family arrangement. As the Bible says, Jehovah God is "the One teaching you to benefit yourself, the One causing you to tread in the way in which you should walk." -Isaiah 48:17.

23 Although the Bible was completed almost two thousand years ago, its counsel is truly up-to-date. Further, it was written for all people. The Bible is not an American or a Western book. Jehovah "made out of one man every nation of men," and He knows the makeup of humans everywhere. (Acts 17:26) Bible principles work for everyone. If you apply them, you too will come to know the secret of family happiness.

23. How does the Bible help people of all national backgrounds to find happiness in their family life?

CAN YOU ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?

What is happening to the family today? -2 Timothy 3:1-4.

Who originated the family arrangement?

-Ephesians 3:14, 15.

What is the secret of family happiness? -Isaiah 48:17.

Preparing for a Successful Marriage

CONSTRUCTING a building requires careful preparation. Before the foundation is laid, land must be acquired and plans drawn up. However, something else is vital. Jesus said: "Who of you that wants to build a tower does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it?"—Luke 14:28.

2 What is true of constructing a building also applies to constructing a successful marriage. Many say: "I want to get married." But how many stop to consider the cost?

While the Bible speaks favorably of marriage, it also draws attention to the challenges that marriage presents. (Proverbs 18:22: 1 Corinthians 7:28) Therefore, those contemplating marriage need to have a realistic view of both the blessings and the costs of being married.

3 The Bible can help. Its counsel is inspired by the Originator of marriage, Jehovah God. (Ephesians 3:14, 15:2 Timothy 3:16) Using the principles found in this ancient yet very up-to-date guidebook, let us determine (1) How can a person tell whether he or she is ready for marriage? (2) What should be looked for in a mate? and (3) How can courtship be kept honorable?

ARE YOU READY FOR MARRIAGE?

4 Constructing a building may be expensive, but caring for its long-term maintenance is costly as well. It is similar with marriage. Getting married seems challenging enough; however, maintaining a marital relationship year after year must also be considered. What does maintaining such a relationship entail? A vital factor is a wholehearted commitment. Here is how the Bible describes the marriage relationship: "A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24) Jesus Christ gave the only Scriptural basis for divorce with the possibility of remarriage—"fornication," that is, illicit sex relations outside the marriage.

(Matthew 19:9) If you are contemplating marriage, bear these Scriptural standards in mind. If you are not ready for this solemn commitment, then you are not ready for marriage.—Deuteronomy 23:21: Ecclesiastes 5:4, 5.

5 The idea of a solemn commitment frightens many. "Knowing that the two of us were stuck together for life made me feel pushed into a corner, closed in, totally confined," confessed one young man. But if you really love the person you intend to marry, commitment will not seem like a burden. Instead, it will be viewed as a source of security. The sense of commitment implied in marriage will make a couple want to stay together through good times and bad and to be supportive of each other come what may. The Christian apostle Paul wrote that true love "bears all things" and "endures all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4, 7) "The commitment of marriage makes me feel more secure," says one woman. "I love the comfort of having admitted to ourselves and the world that we intend to stick together."—Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

6 Living up to such a commitment requires maturity. Thus, Paul counsels that Christians do better not to marry until they are "past the bloom of youth," the period when sexual feelings run strong and can distort one's judgment. (1 Corinthians 7:36) Young people change rapidly as they grow up. Many who marry when very young find that after just a few years their needs and desires, as well as those of their mate, have changed.

Statistics reveal that teenagers who marry are much more likely to be unhappy and seek divorce than those who wait a little longer. So do not rush into marriage. Some years spent living as a young, single adult can give you precious experience that will make you more mature and better qualified to be a suitable mate. Waiting to get married can also help you to understand yourself better—a necessity if you are to develop a successful relationship in your marriage.

KNOW YOURSELF FIRST

7 Do you find it easy to list the qualities you want in a mate? Most do. However, what about your own qualities? What traits do you have that will help you contribute to a successful marriage? What type of husband or wife will you be? For example, do you freely admit your mistakes and accept advice, or are you always defensive when corrected? Are you generally cheerful and optimistic, or do you tend to be gloomy, frequently complaining? (Proverbs 8:33; 15:15) Remember, marriage will not change your personality. If you are proud, oversensitive, or overly pessimistic when single, you will be the same when married. Since it is difficult to see ourselves the way others see us, why not ask a parent or a trusted friend for frank comments and suggestions? If you learn of changes that could be made, work on these before taking steps to marry.

8 The Bible encourages us to let God's holy spirit CUSTOMS AND THE BIBLE

Bride-Price and Dowry: In some lands the groom's family is expected to give money to the bride's family (bride-price). In others, the bride's family gives money to the groom's (dowry). There may be nothing wrong with these customs as long as they are legal. (Romans 13:1) However, in either case, the receiving family should avoid greedily demanding more money or goods than is reasonable. (Proverbs 20:21; 1 Corinthians 6:10) Further, the paying of bride-price should never be construed to imply that a wife is simply purchased property; nor should a husband feel that his only responsibility toward his wife and his inlaws is a financial one.

Polygamy: Some cultures allow a man to take more than one wife. In such an atmosphere, the man may become an overlord rather than a husband and father. Furthermore, polygamous marriage often fosters competition among wives. For Christians, the Bible allows only singleness or monogamy.1 Corinthians 7:2.

Trial Marriage: Many couples claim that living together before marriage will help them test out their compatibility. Yet, trial marriage does not test one of the most crucial elements of marriage commitment. No arrangement other than marriage offers the same degree of protection and security to all parties—including any children that may result from the union. In the eyes of Jehovah God, living together consensually without the benefit of marriage is fornication. -1 Corinthians 6:18; Hebrews 13:4.

work in us, producing qualities such as "love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, mildness, self-control." It also tells us to "be made new in the force actuating [our] mind" and to "put on the new personality which was created according to God's will in true righteousness and loyalty." (Galatians 5:22, 23; Ephesians 4:23, 24) Applying this counsel while you are still single will be like depositing money in the bank—something that will prove very valuable in the future, when you do marry.

9 For example, if you are a woman, learn to pay more attention to "the secret person of the heart" than you do to your physical appearance. (1 Peter 3:3, 4) Modesty and soundness of mind will help you to have wisdom, a true "crown of beauty." (Proverbs 4:9; 31:10, 30; 1 Timothy 2:9, 10) If you are a man, learn to treat women in a kind and respectful way. (1 Timothy 5:1, 2) While learning to make decisions and shoulder responsibility, learn also to be modest and humble. A domineering attitude will lead to trouble in a marriage.—Proverbs 29:23; Micah 6:8; Ephesians 5:28, 29.

10 Although making the mind over in these areas is not easy, it is something all Christians should work on. And it will help you to be a better marriage partner.

WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A MATE

11 Is it customary where you live for a person to choose his or her own marriage mate? If so, how should you proceed if you find someone of the

While still single, develop qualities, habits, and abilities that will serve you well in marriage

opposite sex attractive?

First, ask yourself, 'Is marriage really my intention?' It is cruel to play with another person's emotions by raising false expectations. (Proverbs 13:12) Then, ask yourself, 'Am I in a position to get married?' If the answer to both questions is positive, the steps you take next will vary depending on local custom. In some lands, after observing for a while, you might approach the person and express a desire to get better acquainted. If the response is negative, do not persist to the point of being objectionable. Remember, the other person also has a right to make a decision in the matter. If, however, the response is positive, you may arrange to spend time together in wholesome activities. This will give you an opportunity to see whether marriage to this person would be wise.* What should you look for at this stage?

12 To answer that question, imagine two musical instruments, perhaps a piano and a guitar. If they are correctly tuned, either one can produce beautiful solo music. Yet, what happens if these instruments are played together? Now they must be in tune with each other. It is similar with you and a prospective mate. Each of you may have worked hard to "tune" your personality traits as individuals. But the question now is: Are you in tune with each other? In other words, are you compatible?

13 It is important that both of you have common beliefs and principles. The apostle Paul wrote: "Do not become unevenly yoked with unbelievers."

(2 Corinthians 6:14; 1 Corinthians 7:39) Marriage to someone who does not share your faith in God makes it more likely that there will be severe disharmony. On the other hand, a mutual devotion to Jehovah God is the strongest basis for unity. Jehovah wants you to be happy and to enjoy the closest possible bond with the person you marry. He wants you to be bound to Him and to each other by a threefold bond of love.—Ecclesiastes 4:12.

14 While worshiping God together is the most important aspect of unity, more is involved. To be attuned to each other, you and your prospective mate should have similar goals. What are your goals? For example, how do you both feel about having children? What things have the first place in your life?* (Matthew 6:33) In a truly successful marriage, the couple are good friends and enjoy each other's company. (Proverbs 17:17) For this, they need to have interests in common. It is difficult to sustain a close friendship—much less a marriage—when this is not the case. Still, if your prospective partner enjoys a particular activity, such as hiking, and you do not, does that mean that the two of you should not get married? Not necessarily. Perhaps you share other, more important interests. Moreover, you might give happiness to your prospective partner by sharing in wholesome activities because the other person enjoys them.

Acts 20:35.

15 Indeed, to a large degree, compatibility is determined by how adaptable both of you are rather than by how identical you are. Instead of asking, "Do we agree on everything?" some better questions might be: "What happens when we disagree? Can we discuss matters calmly, according each other respect and dignity? Or do discussions often deteriorate into heated arguments?" (Ephesians 4:29, 31) If you want to get married, be wary of anyone who is proud and opinionated, never willing to compromise, or who constantly demands and schemes to have his or her own way.

FIND OUT BEFOREHAND

16 In the Christian congregation, those who are entrusted with responsibility are to be "tested as to fitness first." (1 Timothy 3:10) You too can employ this principle. For example, a woman might ask, "What kind of reputation does this man have? Who are his friends? Does he display self-control? How does he treat elderly persons? What kind of family does he come from? How does he interact with them? What is his attitude toward money? Does he abuse alcoholic beverages? Is he temperamental, even violent? What congregation responsibilities does he have, and how does he handle them? Could I deeply respect him?" —Leviticus 19:32; Proverbs 22:29; 31:23; Ephesians 5:3-5, 33; 1 Timothy 5:8; 6:10; Titus 2:6, 7.

love and respect for God? Is she capable of caring for a home? What will her family expect of us? Is she wise, industrious, thrifty? What does she talk about? Is she genuinely concerned about the welfare of others, or is she self-centered, a busybody? Is she trustworthy? Is she willing to submit to headship, or is she stubborn, perhaps even rebellious?"—Proverbs 31:10-31; Luke 6:45; Ephesians 5:22, 23; 1 Timothy 5:13; 1 Peter 4:15.

18 Do not forget that you are dealing with an imperfect descendant of Adam, not some idealized hero or heroine out of a romance novel. Everyone has shortcomings, and some of these will have to be overlooked—both yours and those of your prospective partner. (Romans 3:23; James 3:2) Further, a perceived weakness can present an opportunity to grow. For example, suppose during your courtship you have an argument. Consider: Even people who love and respect each other disagree at times. (Compare Genesis 30:2; Acts 15:39.) Could it be that both of you simply need to 'restrain your spirit' a little more and learn how to settle matters more peacefully? (Proverbs 25:28) Does your prospective mate show a desire to improve? Do you? Could you learn to be less sensitive, less touchy? (Ecclesiastes 7:9) Learning to resolve problems can establish a pattern of honest communication that is essential if the two of you do get married.—Colossians 3:13.

19 What, though, if you notice things that trouble you deeply?

Such doubts should be considered carefully. However romantic you may feel or however anxious you may be to get married, do not close your eyes to serious faults. (Proverbs 22:3; Ecclesiastes 2:14) If you have a relationship with someone about whom you have serious reservations, it is wise to discontinue the relationship and to refrain from making a lasting commitment to that person.

KEEP YOUR COURTSHIP HONORABLE

20 How can you keep your courtship honorable? First, make sure that your moral conduct is above reproach. Where you live, is holding hands, kissing, or embracing considered appropriate behavior for unmarried couples? Even if such expressions of affection are not frowned upon, they should be allowed only when the relationship has reached a point where marriage is definitely planned. Be careful that displays of affection do not escalate into unclean conduct or even fornication. (Ephesians 4:18, 19; compare Song of Solomon 1:2; 2:6; 8:5, 9, 10.) Because the heart is treacherous, both of you would be wise to avoid being isolated in a house, an apartment, a parked automobile, or anywhere else that would give opportunity for wrong conduct. (Jeremiah 17:9) Keeping your courtship morally clean gives clear evidence that you have self-control and that you put unselfish concern for the other person's welfare ahead of your own desires. Most important, a clean courtship will please Jehovah God, who commands his servants to abstain from uncleanness and fornication.-Galatians 5:19-21.

21 Second, an honorable courtship also includes honest communication. As your courtship progresses toward marriage, certain matters will need to be discussed openly. Where will you live? Will both of you work secularly? Do you want to have children? Also, it is only fair to reveal things, perhaps in one's past, that could affect the marriage. These may include major debts or obligations or health matters, such as any serious disease or condition you may have. Since many persons who are infected with HIV (the virus that causes AIDS) show no immediate symptoms, it would not be wrong for an individual or for caring parents to request an AIDS blood test of one who has in the past engaged in sexual promiscuity or was an intravenous drug user. If the test proves positive, the infected person should not pressure the intended mate to continue the relationship if that one now wishes to terminate it. Really, anyone who has engaged in a high-risk life-style would do well to submit voluntarily to an AIDS blood test before beginning a courtship.

LOOKING BEYOND THE WEDDING

22 During the final months before the marriage, both of you will likely be very busy with arranging for the wedding. You can alleviate much of the tension by being moderate.

An elaborate wedding may please relatives and the community, but it may leave newlyweds and their families physically exhausted and financially drained. Some adherence to local customs is reasonable, but slavish and perhaps competitive conformity can overshadow the meaning of the occasion and may rob you of the joy that you should have. While the feelings of others must be considered, the groom is primarily responsible for deciding what will go on at the wedding feast.John 2:9.

23 Remember that your wedding lasts just one day, but your marriage lasts a lifetime. Avoid concentrating too much on the act of getting married. Instead, look to Jehovah God for guidance, and plan ahead for a life of being married. Then you will have prepared well for a successful marriage.

HOW CAN THESE BIBLE PRINCIPLES HELP...

A PERSON TO PREPARE FOR A

SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE?

A husband and wife must be committed to each other. -Genesis 2:24.

The inner person is more important than external appearance.

-1 Peter 3:3, 4.

"Do not become unevenly yoked."

-2 Corinthians 6:14.

Morally unclean people are alienated from God. -Ephesians 4:18, 19.

Two Keys to a Lasting Marriage

WHEN God united the first man and woman in marriage, there was no indication that the union would be only temporary. Adam and Eve were to be together for life. (Genesis 2:24) God's standard for an honorable marriage is the uniting of one male and one female. Only gross sexual immorality on the part of one or both mates provides Scriptural grounds for divorce with the possibility of remarriage.-Matthew 5:32.

2 Is it possible for two individuals to live together happily for an indefinitely long time? Yes, and the Bible identifies two vital factors, or keys, that help to make this possible. If both the husband and the wife put these to use, they will unlock the door to happiness and many blessings. What are these keys?

THE FIRST KEY

3The first key is love. Interestingly, there are different kinds of love identified in the Bible. One is a warm, personal affection for someone, the kind of love that exists between close friends. [John 11:3] Another is the love that grows between family members. [Romans 12:10] A third is the romantic love

Mutual love and respect lead to success in marriage

that one can have for a member of the opposite sex. (Proverbs 5:15-20) Of course, all of these should be cultivated by a husband and a wife. But there is a fourth kind of love, more important than the others.

4 In the original language of the Christian Greek Scriptures, the word for this fourth kind of love is a· g a′ p e. That word is used at 1 John 4:8, where we are told: "God is love." Indeed, "we love, because [God] first loved us." (1 John 4:19) A Christian cultivates such love first for Jehovah God and then for fellow humans. (Mark 12:29-31) The word a· g a′ p e is also used at Ephesians 5:2, which states: "Go on walking in love, just as the Christ also loved you and delivered himself up for you."

Jesus said that this kind of love would identify his true followers: "By this all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love [a·ga'pe] among yourselves." (John 13:35) Notice, too, the use of a·ga'pe at 1 Corinthians 13: 13: "There remain faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love [a·ga'pe]."

5 What makes this a · ga'pe love greater than faith and hope? It is governed by principles—right principles—found in God's Word. (Psalm 119:105) It is an unselfish concern for doing to others what is right and good from God's standpoint, whether the recipient appears to deserve it or not. Such love enables marriage partners to follow the Bible's counsel: "Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave you, so do you also." (Colossians 3:13) Loving married couples have and cultivate "intense love [a · ga'pe] for [each other], because love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8) Notice that love covers mistakes. It does not eliminate them, since no imperfect human can be free from error.—Psalm 130: 3, 4: James 3:2.

6 When such love of God and of each other is cultivated by a married couple, their marriage will last and be happy, for "love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:8) Love is "a perfect bond of union." (Colosians 3:14) If you are married, how can you and your mate cultivate this kind of love? Read God's Word together, and talk about it. Study Jesus' example of love and try to imitate him, to think and act like him.

In addition, attend Christian meetings, where God's Word is taught. And pray for God's help to develop this elevated kind of love, which is a fruit of God's holy spirit.—Proverbs 3:5, 6; John 17:3; Galatians 5:22; Hebrews 10:24, 25.

THE SECOND KEY

7 If two married people really love each other, then they will also have respect for each other, and respect is the second key to a happy marriage. Respect is defined as "giving consideration to others, honoring them." God's Word counsels all Christians, including husbands and wives: "In showing honor to one another take the lead." (Romans 12:10) The apostle Peter wrote: "You husbands, continue dwelling in like manner with [your wives] according to knowledge, assigning them honor as to a weaker vessel, the feminine one." (1 Peter 3:7) The wife is counseled to "have deep respect for her husband." (Ephesians 5:33) If you want to honor someone, you are kind to that person, respectful of that one's dignity and expressed views, and ready to fulfill any reasonable request made of you.

8 Those who wish to enjoy a happy marriage show respect for their mates by "keeping an eye, not in personal interest upon just [their] own matters, but also in personal interest upon those of [their mates]." (Philippians 2:4) They do not consider what is good only for themselves—which would be selfish. Instead, they consider what is best also for their mates. Indeed, they give that the priority.

9 Respect will help marriage partners to acknowledge differences in viewpoint.

It is not reasonable to expect two people to have identical views on everything. What may be important to a husband may not be as important to a wife, and what a wife likes may not be what a husband likes. But each should respect the views and choices of the other, as long as these are within the boundaries of Jehovah's laws and principles. (1 Peter 2:16; compare Philemon 14.) Further, each should respect the dignity of the other by not making that one the object of demeaning comments or jokes, whether in public or in private.

10 Yes, love of God and of each other and mutual respect are two vital keys to a successful marriage. How can they be applied in some of the more important areas of married life?

CHRISTLIKE HEADSHIP

11 The Bible tells us that the man was created with attributes that would make him a successful family head. As such, the man would be responsible before Jehovah for the spiritual and physical well-being of his wife and children. He would have to make balanced decisions that reflect Jehovah's will and be a good example of godly conduct. "Let wives be in subjection to their husbands as to the Lord, because a husband is head of his wife as the Christ also is head of the congregation." (Ephesians 5:22, 23) However, the Bible says that the husband also has a head. One with authority over him. The apostle Paul wrote: "I want you to know that the head of every man is the Christ; in turn the head of a woman is the man; in turn the head of the Christ is God."

(1 Corinthians 11:3) The wise husband learns how to exercise headship by imitating his own head, Christ Jesus.

12 Jesus too has a head, Jehovah, and he is properly subject to Him. Jesus said: "I seek, not my own will, but the will of him that sent me." (John 5:30) What an excellent example! Jesus is "the firstborn of all creation." (Colossians 1:15) He became the Messiah. He was to be the Head of the congregation of anointed Christians and the chosen King of God's Kingdom, above all the angels. (Philippians 2:9-11; Hebrews 1:4) Despite such a lofty position and such elevated prospects, the man Jesus was not harsh, unyielding, or overly demanding. He was not a despot, constantly reminding his disciples that they had to obey him. Jesus was loving and compassionate, especially toward the downtrodden. He said: "Come to me, all you who are toiling and loaded down, and I will refresh you. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am mild-tempered and lowly in heart, and you will find refreshment for your souls. For my yoke is kindly and my load is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) It was a delight to be in his company.

13 The husband desiring a happy family life does well to consider Jesus' fine traits. A good husband is not harsh and dictatorial, wrongly using his headship as a club to browbeat his wife. Rather, he loves and honors her. If Jesus was "lowly in heart," the husband has even more reason to be so because, unlike Jesus, he makes mistakes. When he does, he wants his wife's understanding.

Therefore, the humble husband admits his mistakes, even though the words, "I'm sorry; you were right," might be difficult to say. A wife will find it much easier to respect the headship of a modest and humble husband than that of a proud and stubborn one. In turn, the respectful wife also apologizes when she is in error.

14 God created the woman with fine attributes that she can use in contributing to a happy marriage. A wise husband will recognize this and will not stifle her. Many women tend to have greater compassion and sensitivity, qualities that are needed in caring for a family and in nurturing human relationships. Usually, the woman is quite adept at making the home a pleasant place in which to live. The "capable wife" described in Proverbs chapter 31 had many wonderful qualities and excellent talents, and her family benefited fully from them. Why? Because the heart of her husband "has put trust" in her.—Proverbs 31:10, 11.

15 In some cultures, a husband's authority is overemphasized, so that even to ask him a question is considered disrespectful. He may treat his wife almost like a slave. Such a wrong exercise of headship results in a poor relationship not only with his wife but also with God. (Compare 1 John 4:20, 21.) On the other hand, some husbands neglect to take the lead, letting their wives dominate the household. The husband who is properly subject to Christ does not exploit his wife or rob her of dignity. Instead, he imitates the self-sacrificing love of Jesus and does as Paul counseled: "Husbands, continue loving your wives, just as the Christ also loved the congregation and delivered up himself for it."

(Ephesians 5:25) Christ Jesus loved his followers so much that he died for them. A good husband will try to imitate that unselfish attitude, seeking the good of his wife, rather than be demanding of her. When a husband is subject to Christ and displays Christlike love and respect, his wife will be motivated to subject herself to him.—Ephesians 5:28, 29, 33.

WIFELY SUBJECTION

16 Some time after Adam was created, "Jehovah God went on to say: 'It is not good for the man to continue by himself. I am going to make a helper for him, as a complement of him.'" (Genesis 2:18) God created Eve as "a complement," not as a competitor. Marriage was not to be like a ship with two competing captains. The husband was to exercise loving headship, and the wife was to manifest love, respect, and willing submission.

17 However, a good wife is more than just submissive. She tries to be a real helper, being supportive of her husband in the decisions he makes. Of course, that is easier for her when she agrees with his decisions. But even when she does not, her active support can help his decision to have a more successful outcome.

18 A wife can help her husband to be a good head in other ways. She can express appreciation for his efforts in taking the lead, instead of criticizing him or making him feel that he can never satisfy her.

In dealing with her husband in a positive way, she should remember that a "quiet and mild spirit . . . is of great value in the eyes of God," not just in the eyes of her husband. (1 Peter 3:3, 4; Colossians 3:12) What if the husband is not a believer? Whether he is or not, the Scriptures encourage wives "to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sound in mind, chaste, workers at home, good, subjecting themselves to their own husbands, so that the word of God may not be spoken of abusively." (Titus 2:4, 5) If matters of conscience come up, an unbelieving husband is more likely to respect his wife's position if it is presented with a "mild temper and deep respect." Some unbelieving husbands have been "won without a word through the conduct of their wives, because of having been eyewitnesses of [their] chaste conduct together with deep respect."—1 Peter 3:1, 2, 15; 1 Corinthians 7:13-16.

19 What if a husband asks his wife to do something forbidden by God? If that happens, she must remember that God is her primary Ruler. She takes as an example what the apostles did when they were asked by authorities to violate God's law. Acts 5:29 relates: "Peter and the other apostles said: 'We must obey God as ruler rather than men.'"

GOOD COMMUNICATION

20 Love and respect are essential in another area of marriage—communication. The loving husband will converse with his wife about her activities, her problems, her views on various matters. She needs this. A husband who takes the time to speak with his wife and really listens to what she says demonstrates his love and respect for her.

(James 1:19) Some wives complain that their husbands spend very little time conversing with them. That is sad. True, in these busy times, husbands may work long hours outside the home, and economic circumstances may result in some wives holding a job also. But a married couple need to reserve time for each other. Otherwise, they may become independent of each other. It could lead to serious problems if they felt compelled to seek sympathetic companionship outside the marriage arrangement.

21 The way wives and husbands communicate is important. "Pleasant sayings are . . . sweet to the soul and a healing to the bones." (Proverbs 16:24) Whether a mate is a believer or not, the Bible counsel applies: "Let your utterance be always with graciousness, seasoned with salt," that is, in good taste. (Colossians 4:6) When one has had a difficult day, a few kind, sympathetic words from one's mate can do much good. "As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it." (Proverbs 25:11) The tone of voice and the choice of words are very important. For example, in an irritated, demanding manner, one may tell the other: "Shut that door!" But how much more "seasoned with salt" are the words, said in a calm, understanding voice, "Would you mind closing the door, please?"

22 Good communication flourishes when there are gently spoken words, gracious looks and gestures, kindness, understanding, and tenderness. By working hard to maintain good communication, both husband and wife will feel free to make their needs known, and they can be sources of comfort and help to each other in times of disappointment or stress.

"Speak consolingly to the depressed souls," urges God's Word. (1 Thessalonians 5:14) There will be times when the husband is downhearted and times when the wife is. They can "speak consolingly," building each other up. Romans 15:2.

23 Marriage partners manifesting love and respect will not see every disagreement as a challenge. They will work hard not to be "bitterly angry" with each other. (Colossians 3:19) Both should remember that "an answer, when mild, turns away rage." (Proverbs 15:1) Be careful not to belittle or condemn a mate who pours out heartfelt feelings. Instead, view such expressions as an opportunity to gain insight into the other's viewpoint. Together, try to work out differences and come to a harmonious conclusion.

24 Recall the occasion when Sarah recommended to her husband, Abraham, a solution to a certain problem and it did not coincide with his feelings. Yet, God told Abraham: "Listen to her voice." (Genesis 21:9-12) Abraham did, and he was blessed. Similarly, if a wife suggests something different from what her husband has in mind, he should at least listen. At the same time, a wife should not dominate the conversation but should listen to what her husband has to say. (Proverbs 25:24) For either the husband or the wife to insist on his or her own way all the time is unloving and disrespectful.

25 Good communication is also important in a couple's sexual relationship.

Selfishness and a lack of self-control can seriously damage this most intimate relationship in marriage. Open communication, along with patience, is essential. When each unselfishly seeks the well-being of the other, sex is rarely a serious problem. In this as in other matters, "let each one keep seeking, not his own advantage, but that of the other person."-1 Corinthians 7:3-5; 10:24.

26 What fine counsel God's Word offers! True, every marriage will have its ups and downs. But when spouses submit to Jehovah's thinking, as revealed in the Bible, and base their relationship on principled love and respect, they can be confident that their marriage will be lasting and happy. They thus will honor not only each other but also the Originator of marriage, Jehovah God.

Even though every marriage will have its ups and downs, how will listening to God's Word help married couples to find happiness?

HOW CAN THESE BIBLE PRINCIPLES HELP...

A COUPLE TO ENJOY

A LASTING, HAPPY MARRIAGE?

True Christians love one another. John 13:35.

Christians are ready to forgive one another. -Colossians 3:13.

There is a proper order of headship.

-1 Corinthians 11:3.

It is important to say the right thing in the right way. -Proverbs 25:11.

How Can You Manage a Household?

"THE scene of this world is changing." (1 Corinthians 7:31) Those words were written over 1,900 years ago, and how true they are today! Things are changing, especially with regard to family life. What was viewed as normal or traditional 40 or 50 years ago is often not acceptable today. Because of this, successfully managing a household can present enormous challenges. Nevertheless, if Scriptural counsel is heeded, you can meet those challenges.

LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS

2 Today many people are no longer satisfied with a simple, family-oriented life. As the commercial world produces more and more products and uses its advertising skills to try to entice the public, millions of fathers and mothers spend long hours at work so that they can buy these products. Other millions face a day-to-day struggle just to put some food on the table. They have to spend far more time at work than used to be the case, perhaps holding down two jobs, simply to pay for necessities. Yet others would be happy to find a job, since unemployment is a widespread problem. Yes, life is not always easy for the modern family, but Bible principles can help families to make the best of the situation.

3 The apostle Paul experienced economic pressures. In handling them, he learned a valuable lesson, which he explains in his letter to his friend Timothy. Paul writes: "We have brought nothing into the world, and neither can we carry anything out. So, having sustenance and covering, we shall be content with these things." [1 Timothy 6:7, 8] True, a family needs more than just food and clothing. It also needs somewhere to live. The children need an education. And there are medical bills and other expenses. Still, the principle of Paul's words applies. If we are content to satisfy our needs rather than indulge our wants, life will be easier.

4 Another helpful principle is found in one of Jesus' illustrations. He said: "Who of you that wants to build a tower does not first sit down and calculate the expense, to see if he has enough to complete it?" (Luke 14:28) Jesus is here speaking of forethought, planning ahead. We saw in a previous chapter how this helps when a young couple are thinking of getting married. And after the marriage, it is also helpful in managing a household. Forethought in this area involves having a budget, planning in advance to make the wisest use of available resources. In this way a family can control expenses, setting money aside for spending on essentials each day or each week, and not live beyond its means.

In some countries, such budgeting might mean having to resist the urge to borrow at high interest for unnecessary purchases.

In others, it might mean keeping a tight rein on the use of credit cards. (Proverbs 22:7) It might also mean resisting impulse buying-purchasing something on the spur of the moment without weighing needs and consequences. Further, a budget will make it apparent that selfishly wasting money on gambling, smoking tobacco, and excessive drinking harms the family's economic situation, as well as goes contrary to Bible principles.—Proverbs 23:20, 21, 29-35; Romans 6:19; Ephesians 5:3-5.

6 What, though, of those who are forced to live in poverty? For one thing, they can be comforted to know that this worldwide problem is only temporary. In the rapidly approaching new world, Jehovah will eliminate poverty along with all other evils that cause misery to mankind. (Psalm 72: 1, 12-16) In the meantime, true Christians, even if they are very poor, do not feel total desperation, for they have faith in Jehovah's promise: "I will by no means leave you nor by any means forsake you." Hence, a believer can confidently say: "Jehovah is my helper; I will not be afraid." (Hebrews 13: 5, 6) In these difficult days, Jehovah has supported his worshipers in many ways when they live by his principles and put his Kingdom first in their lives. (Matthew 6:33) Great numbers of them can testify, saying, in the words of the apostle Paul: "In everything and in all circumstances I have learned the secret of both how to be full and how to hunger, both how to have an abundance and how to suffer

want. For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."-Philippians 4: 12, 13.

SHARING THE LOAD

7 Toward the end of his earthly ministry, Jesus said: "You must love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39) Applying this counsel in the family helps enormously in household management. After all, who are our nearest, dearest neighbors if not those who share the family dwelling—husbands and wives, parents and children?

How can family members show love for one another?

8 One way is for each family member to do his fair share of household chores. Thus, children need to be taught to put things away after using them, whether these be clothes or toys. It may take time and effort to tidy the bed each morning, but it is a big help in the management of the household. Of course, some minor, temporary disarray is unavoidable, but all can work together to keep the home reasonably neat, as well as to clean up after meals. Laziness, self-indulgence, and a grudging reluctant spirit have a negative effect on everyone. (Proverbs 26:14-16) On the other hand, a cheerful, willing spirit nourishes a happy family life. "God loves a cheerful giver."-2 Corinthians 9:7.

9 Consideration and love will help prevent a situation that is a serious problem in some homes. Mothers have traditionally been the mainstay of home life. They have cared for the children, cleaned the home, done the family laundry, and purchased and cooked the food. In some lands, women have also customarily worked in the fields, sold produce in the market, or contributed in other ways to the family budget. Even where this was not the custom previously, necessity has compelled millions of married women to find employment outside the home. A wife and mother who works hard in these different areas deserves commendation. Like the "capable wife" described in the Bible, her days are well filled. "The bread of laziness she does not eat."

(Proverbs 31: 10, 27) This does not mean, though, that a woman is the only one who can work in the home. After a husband and a wife have both worked all day outside the home, should the wife alone bear the burden of work in the house while the husband and the rest of the family relax? Surely not. (Compare 2 Corinthians 8:13, 14.) So, for example, if the mother is going to get a meal ready, she may be grateful if other family members help with the preparation by setting the table, doing some of the shopping, or cleaning up a little around the house. Yes, all can share the responsibility.—Compare Galatians 6:2.

10 Some may say: "Where I live it is not the role of a man to do such things." That may be true, but would it not be good to give this matter some consideration? When Jehovah God originated the family, he did not mandate that certain work would be done only by women. On one occasion, when the faithful man Abraham was visited by special messengers from Jehovah, he personally shared in the preparation and serving of a meal for the visitors. (Genesis 18:1-8) The Bible counsels: "Husbands ought to be loving their wives as their own bodies." (Ephesians 5:28) If, at the end of the day, the husband is tired and wants to rest, is it not likely that the wife feels the same way, perhaps more so? (1 Peter 3:7) Then, would it not be appropriate and loving for the husband to help out at home?—Philippians 2:3, 4.

11 Jesus is the best example of one who pleased God and brought happiness to his associates. AlCLEAN WATER, GOOD HEALTH

The World Health Organization offers some practical suggestions for people in countries where clean water may be difficult to obtain and sanitary conditions may be primitive.

"Collect and store drinking-water in clean containers. Keep the storage container covered and do not allow children or animals to drink from it . . . Take out water only with a long-handled dipper that is kept especially for that purpose. Empty and rinse out the container every day.

"Boi water that will be used to make food or drinks for young children. . . . Water needs to boil for only a few seconds."

though he never married, Jesus is a good example for husbands, as well as for wives and children. He said of himself: "The Son of man came, not to be ministered to, but to minister," that is, to serve others. (Matthew 20:28) How delightful are those families in which all members cultivate such an attitude!

CLEANLINESS-WHY SO IMPORTANT?

12 Another Bible principle that can help in the management of a household is found at 2 Corinthians 7:1. There we read: "Let us cleanse ourselves of every defilement of flesh and spirit." Those who obey these inspired words are acceptable to Jehovah, who requires "worship that is clean and undefiled." (James 1:27) And their household receives associated benefits.

13 For example, the Bible assures us that the day will come when disease and sickness will be no more. At that time, "no resident will say: 'I am sick.'" (Isaiah 33:24; Revelation 21:4, 5) Until then, however, every family has to handle sickness from time to time. Even Paul and Timothy got sick. (Galatians 4:13; 1 Timothy 5:23) Still, medical experts say that much sickness is preventable. Wise families escape some preventable illnesses if they avoid fleshy and spiritual uncleanness. Let us consider how.—Compare Proverbs 22:3.

14 Cleanness of spirit includes moral cleanness. As is well-known, the Bible promotes high moral standards and condemns any kind of sexual intimacy outside marriage. "Neither fornicators, . . . nor adulterers, nor men kept for unnatural purposes, nor men who lie with men . . . will inherit God's kingdom." (1 Corinthians 6:9, 10) Observing these strict standards is very important for Christians living in today's degenerate world. Doing so pleases God and also helps to protect the family from sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS, syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia.—Proverbs 7:10-23.

15 'Cleansing oneself of every defilement of flesh' helps to protect the family from other sicknesses. Many diseases are caused by a lack of physical cleanness. A prime example is the smoking habit. Not only does smoking befoul the lungs, the clothes,

Keeping things clean is cheaper than buying medicine

and the very air but it also makes people ill. Millions of people die each year because they smoked tobacco. Think of it; each year millions of people would not have fallen ill and died prematurely if they had avoided that 'defilement of the flesh!

16 Consider another example. About 3,500 years ago, God gave the nation of Israel his Law in order to organize their worship and, to a degree, their everyday life. That Law helped to protect the nation from disease by putting in place some basic rules of hygiene. One such law had to do with the disposal of human waste, which had to be properly buried away from the camp so that the area where people lived would not be polluted. (Deuteronomy 23:12, 13) That ancient law is still good counsel.

Even today people get sick and die because they do not follow it.*

17 In harmony with the principle behind that Israelite law, the family's bathroom and toilet area—whether inside or outside the dwelling—should be kept clean and disinfected. If the toilet area is not kept clean and covered, flies will gather there and spread germs to other areas of the home—and onto the food we eat! Further, children and adults should wash their hands after visiting this area. Otherwise, they bring germs back with them on their skin. According to a French doctor, hand washing "is still one of the best guarantees for the prevention of certain digestive, respiratory, or skin infections."

18 True, cleanliness is a challenge in a poor neighborhood. One who is acquainted with such localities explained: "The oppressively hot climate makes the work of cleaning doubly hard. Dust storms cover every crevice of a house with fine brown powder. Burgeoning populations in cities, as well as in some rural areas, also create health hazards. Open sewers, piles of uncollected garbage, filthy communal toilets, disease-carrying rats, cockroaches, and flies have become common sights."

19 Maintaining cleanliness under these conditions is difficult. Still, it is worth the effort. Soap and water and a little extra work are cheaper than medicine and hospital bills.

If you live in such an environment, as far as possible, keep your own house and yard clean and free of animal droppings. If the path to your home tends to get muddy during rainy periods, could you put down gravel or stones to help keep mud out of the house? If shoes or sandals are used, can these be removed before the wearer enters the home? Also, you must keep your water supply free from contamination. It is estimated that at least two million deaths a year are due to diseases associated with dirty water and poor sanitation.

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The secret of family happiness (1996)